Savage for sale: Rare bike, highly collectible

That’s right, I can translate your average Craigslist "motorcycle for sale" ad into the truth.

It’s a useful skill developed from countless wasted hours looking at ads when I should have been doing paying work. And now, at absolutely no charge to you, I’m going to share that hard-earned wisdom. Here are some phrases you’re likely to see in “motorcycle for sale” ads and what they really mean.

What the ad says	What it really means
Asking $16,000, make offer	Someone please give me $10,000
$11,500 firm	Someone please give me $10,000
$8,000 firm, no low-ball offers	Short of selling a kidney, I have no means of paying off the $7,500 balance on the loan on this $5,000 bike
OBO	Just give me two thirds of what I'm asking, please God
Ran when I parked it, needs carb work	The 10-year-old gasoline in there has turned to mica
Needs battery	I don't have $100 for a new battery, and even if I did, putting in a new battery would only reveal that it won't start
Turns over, good compression	At least the damn thing hasn't seized and I'm gambling you won't show up with a compression gauge
Must go this weekend	I'm six months late on the rent and the eviction proceedings are starting to get serious
No low ballers	The payoff on the loan is way more than it's worth so I have to get an inflated price
Wife says it has to go	I haven't ridden it in five years, but I'm the kind of person who feels better blaming someone else
No time to ride	I drive my car every day because it has air conditioning and I'm lazy
Over $5,000 in extras	I wasted a lot of money on farkles nobody wants
Extended swingarm, lowered	Clutch is fried from playing Rickey Dragracer at every light and the bike now handles like a garbage truck
Aftermarket exhaust, sounds great	Obnoxiously loud, guaranteed to tick off your neighbors
Stock exhaust but I removed the baffles, sounds great	Obnoxiously loud would be an improvement; also, runs poorly
Custom paint	Been crashed
Fresh paint	Been crashed
New plastics	Been crashed
Lots of new parts	Been crashed
Cosmetic flaws typical for its age	Been crashed
Converted to a streetfighter	Been crashed
Salvage title	Been crashed really bad
Barn fresh	Mice ate holes in the air filter
Barn find	Damn, I forgot this junk was still out here
Classic style	Looks dated
Instant classic	It's old
Collectible	I know, because it's been collecting dust in my garage for 15 years while I've been hoping it would go up in value
Good beginner bike	Underpowered
Good first bike	My only hope of unloading this junk is finding an uninformed and gullible buyer
Mechanic's special	Too many problems to list
Needs a little TLC	You probably won't make it home from the sale without breaking down
Sold "as is"	If you make it out of my driveway on this thing, I don't ever want to see you or hear from you again for any reason
Basket case, everything is there	Not even God knows what's in that pile of parts
Tires still good for another season	The cords aren't showing through the tread yet
Good winter project	I just realized I'm trying to sell a motorcycle at the worst time of the year
Text only, I don't check e-mail	Internet service was cut off to my house months ago for non-payment
bike 4 sale call 4 info	I am too stoned and lazy to take a photo, use capital letters or punctuation, or type more than six words, so just imagine how well I've cared for this motorcycle
Thinning the herd	It finally dawned on me that having six motorcycles, five of which do not run, is stupid
99 Katana for sale: rare bike, collectible	Wanted: one clueless buyer with cash
I will send you a cashier's check and you can wire me the balance	Please be the one in a thousand who is foolish enough to fall for this

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