The Market Price game: Which bike would you choose?

Welcome to Market Price. What we're in for is a game that lets us imagine a few meager dollars whisking us away to a land filled with motorcycles that are anything but ordinary. The rules are simple. Two unusual motorcycles compel me to pitch them, then you pick which you'd rather have. Let's begin.

Cheap Thrills category, $2,500 max

We start with the Cheap Thrills category and we are going to take this seriously, you and I. These must be cheap, and must be thrilling. No, a scooter is not thrilling (unless it's a hot rod two-stroke). A beat-up SV650, in addition to being a little obvious, is probably closer to just very nice to ride. No, true thrills must take us all the way down to the bones of riding, or launch us away from them with an alarming exciting technique. Price will be capped at $2,500.

Cheap Thrills option one: 1982 Honda FT500 Ascot Racer, $1,790. Now this is riding. For less than the price of a Big Mac in 2087, you get a clean, lean, and accessible riding machine. Let's not try to dig up niceties about the horsepower. This bike won't make much more than 40 unless you want to get spendy. The rest of the package, however, reviewed quite well in its day and with a wet weight of 375 pounds it's something akin to a retro KTM Duke 390 for way less coin. Huck the spindly single into corners, keep the throttle pinned, and do it for pocket change. The racer mods only further enhance the slow-bike-fast mission and I bet this thing is more fun at 35 mph than my KTM 890 SMT is at double that. What could compete with this lightweight slice of fun? Something even more wholesome?

Cheap Thrills option two: 1975 Honda CB550F Turbo, $2,500. As it turns out, absolutely not. If you're a sensible person, this decision was over before you finished reading the title of our second contender. If you're closer to, say, me, then it's much harder to pick which shoulder to listen to. The angel points out that engines in the 1970s were already outpacing brake and chassis design, but the devil wants me to see just how far outpaced we can get. Experiencing the rush of a spooling turbo motorcycle is probably on your bucket list and examples of the factory turbo bikes are both rare and often expensive. The hot-rod vibes are simply the cherry on top, and if the CB750 power levels aren't enough you can gamble with the boost until you swear you just knocked off a Yamaha YZF-R6 from a roll. Sure, it's not turnkey, but if you're still reading this pitch that part is not going to turn you off.

So there you have this session of Cheap Thrills. Both Hondas, both older, and both a world apart in terms of reliability and mission. Which one would get your dollars?

Euro Cruiser category, $3,500 max

We now move on to more obscure categories. For this next showdown, let's compare two cruisers from an unlikely origin. Europe isn't known for its thirst to copy American style, but as shown in Operation Gladio, they are not immune to our influence. Is there any way to get a taste of sophisticated Euro engineering in your cruiser without going to the Triumph or BMW dealer and spending upward of $12,000? As a matter of fact, there is. For about a quarter of that money you can cruise in unique style. Price will be capped at $3,500.

Euro Cruiser option one: 2003 BMW R 1200 CL, $3,100. We start with a choice for the bold. One for those of you who embrace all that we lost as the dream of the new millennium faded into corporate mush. Sure, one internet commenter opined that "BMW doubles down with a POS bagger design (from their CA bozo fart works group, most likely)," but there are temples everywhere for those with eyes to see. Weighing a significant 200 pounds less than a new R 18 B, the bug-eyed front end and twin shorty pipes give the R 1200 CL a personality all its own. With a proven, long-running powerplant and typical BMW quality, what's there not to like, and even more so at this price? If you still have doubts about the styling, just remember that there's nothing cooler than confidence, and you need to possess some to ride this thing. If you're still having trouble working up the swagger, worry not. I have just the alternative for you.

Euro Cruiser option two: 2004 Triumph America, $3,500. So you want a smaller, gentler, less eyeball-searing cruiser that still has panache and a prestige nameplate? The Triumph America delivers. It doesn't have more than 65 horses but it also barely cracks 500 pounds wet and looks classy as can be. If you've always dreamed of rolling down the road looking both stylish and approachable, the America may be your best bet. To beef up the street cred, this example even has some Softail-eqse lights and windscreen along with shapely bags. Unlike the Teutonic option, a set of pipes and a re-jet will wake up the model-specific 270-degree twin and give you good reason to spin up the motor. Arguably, this bike, more than the R 1200 CL, epitomizes our strange category. If you want something rowdy, flashy, agricultural, ancient, hokey, budget, etc. the American and Japanese offerings plate that list of adjectives like so many buffet items. But the discerning, erudite rider who isn't troubled quite as much by moto prescriptivism will find that at the end of the line there's some low-fat fondue that seriously hits the spot.

Whether high fashion or fashionable, either early-aughts machine would look at home stoically prowling your local boulevards. If you only had one large garage space for the other kind of metric cruiser, which would you park in it?

Two-Wheeled Hubris category, $6,500 max

For our last category, I invite you, dear reader, to look deeply into your soul. Perhaps too deeply. How much do you care about how you're perceived, and which perception would cause you the most dysphoria? In this last, sparkling white room of small tortures, I invite you to decide. We could easily label this category "low-maintenance commuters," but I think I'll call it "two-wheeled hubris." We up the stakes to $6,500.

Two-Wheeled Hubris option one: 2023 Cake Kalk&, $6,500. The electric motorcycle debate is sprawling and heated, but one thing can be known for sure. It is very hard to sell an electric motorcycle with a particularly dismal combination of range, speed, and comfort for around $15,000. Panned by none other than Mr. Courts, patron saint of daily riding, the Cake Kalk& (yes, the ampersand is part of the name) offers little beyond unimpeachable style, adequate around-town performance, and a few high-spec components to complement its very low maintenance. I'm not saying there's no use case for this machine, and now that it's (only?) around 50% more expensive than the equivalent Chinese e-bike, there's a great argument to be made that you're paying for the plate on the back. Just a few tickets could eat that price difference if you're intent on, let's say, spirited riding in unorthodox places. But the fact remains that in the ashes of the seemingly failed push to expand the electric motorcycle market, you're going to look like a believer. Whether that bothers you or not is your secret to keep, but hark, what if you could look like a Belieber?

Two-Wheeled Hubris option two: 2022 Vespa Sprint 150 Justin Bieber X Vespa, $6,000 With the ghost flame paint job over cream body panels and all-white everything, there is no mistaking, no hiding the fact that your butt is slowly staining the white seat of a very specific choice of brand tie-ins. Gently used, like the Cake, the owner of this scooter must not have been able to let the practicality and quality of a 150 cc Vespa win their heart. One simple fact is clear, which is that the much lower seat height, easy step through, and scooter design pragmatism make this Vespa a more sensible choice of two-wheeled transport than the Cake could hope to be. Both machines feature similar top speeds, but the Vespa can go three to seven times further on just two gallons of fuel, which is easily replenished. And what's more, there's nary a bad word to be found about the riding experience. This leaves only the pop star in the room. Could you put aside your misplaced scorn for — or embrace your valid like of — a much-maligned Canadian and enjoy riding this scooter regardless of what people might think? Listen to track seven on his album Purpose and ponder it.

In life, there's always the option to look at the bright or the dark side of your situation, and while you can't always choose happiness, you can choose a motorcycle (or scooter). Perhaps there is no such thing as a bad motorcycle, only bikes that aren't the right price yet, or ones we just don't understand.

That's all the insight I have for now, if you need me I'll be studying the Blade.