Money cannot buy happiness. But you can buy these shoes, which is a close second.
Let's take some time together, you and I, to reflect on life. Life is full of ups and downs. Maybe your life seems to be only made of downs. Obviously this isn't true. Common sense tells us it's obviously not true. But it might FEEL true. Isn't it time that someone respected your FEELINGS? Isn't it time that someone gave you a pat on the back for TRYING? Isn't it time that someone held you close and told you that despite all of the clear indicators of your failure that you were still worthy of kindness, of decency, of a shared voyage on this spaceship we call Earth?
Well this time has come, and that someone is this pair of shoes.
And let's be clear. These are shoes. These are not boots. Stop calling them boots. Stop talking to your mom about the motorcycle boots you were looking at earlier today when you should have been listening to your program manager during that webinar. You shouldn't even have any other tabs open. Just listen to the webinar. Just listen. Internalize it. Take notes.
No, these aren't boots. They're shoes. But they are so much more than that. They are adventure incarnate, a triumphant reminder of the excitement and wonder that is inherent to the human soul. We are all explorers, in a sense. You might not be an explorer, or have even owned a Ford Explorer, but I guarantee you that you've known someone who owned a Ford Explorer. Or maybe you're a descendant of the great explorers of antiquity: Magellan, Columbus, Lewis and Clark. Your soul yearns for the untouched frontier, the unexplored boundary. And you want to push this envelope of self-exploration with the same panache and gravitas that you apply to every other aspect of your life. You're a cool customer, right? These shoes are your ticket on the express train to cool-ville. Let me explain why.
When you open the box, the first things you're going to notice is the wrapping paper. Feel that quality? That's Italian quality. See that small rubberized logo imprinted on the side? That's the Italian flag. Slowly caress the suede upper. Smell that? That's Italian suede. This shoe is made in China, in the same sense that Barack Obama was "born" in Kenya. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where it came from because it 100% quality.
This shoe is rock solid. All of the components are well crafted and the construction is seamless. I mean that in a figurative sense, there are many seams which hold all the different parts together. Well technology one day progress to the point where we can builds shoes that are literally seamless? Probably. But I'm going to guess that you will grow old waiting for it. Let me assure you, these shoes will outlast even the most pernicious procrastinator. Postponing the possibility of a perfect pair of seamless shoes, you might be asking yourself one question: What about the waterproofability? What about, indeed...
I don't want to be the one to say that these shoes will keep your feet dryer than Justin Bieber's mouth at 3 o'clock in the morning, but someone has to be that person, and let's be honest: I'm probably the most qualified. These shoes are so waterproof that you are going to begin to wonder if "water" was a fictional substance all along, made up by a McCarthy-era government to instill a fear of private swimming pools in the hearts of black people living in the North. You will literally begin to wonder if even the tears of the Virgin Mary could penetrate this mighty fortress of aquatic invulnerability.
However, there is a slight problem here. The same barrier that keeps the rain out also plays a critical hand in keeping moisture in. This means that your feet will sweat and will also smell. Is this a deal breaker? It may be, for some, especially those with extra sensitive noses. I've found that the problem is not overwhelming, and at highway speeds the shoes do begin to breathe more. Certainly these shoes will breathe better than a full-leather riding boot. And they'll look better too.
Which brings us to the crux of the argument. Why buy these shoes when you can buy a full length leather boot? Why buy a full length leather boot when you can buy a poly-acrylic armored leg-cast with kevlar inserts? Why buy anything? Why not wear your old pair of jordans? Why not wear your Chukkas with your cafe racer? Why not bring a messenger bag along with you? Why not Nader? Why not? What's so special about the two party system? I used to buy coffee at Starbucks before it was popular. I watch Steve Ballmer give talks on Vimeo.
Essentially this boot is a compromise. And compromise is often a dirty word in America. But we do it ALL the time. And in my mind, this is a compromise I'm happy to make. You will look good on and off the bike with these shoes. Will you look as good off the bike as if you were wearing regular sneakers? Of course not. Are these as performance-oriented as the latest Power Rangers offerings from AlpineStars? Of course not. But they're really not a bad buy. And they'll keep your feet nice and dry, comfy and protected during the inevitable social revolutions to come. So relax and pull up a chair at the table of compromise. Just make sure to wipe your shoes off first, they're absolutely filthy.